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| Astronaut - Colored pencil, acrylic and gel transfer on wood panel, 45″ x 55″ |
Sometimes you make a thing - a painting, a song, or whatnot - and it goes nowhere. You may think it’s one of your better pieces, but it gathers no momentum. It doesn’t get shared or reposted. It doesn’t sell. This may leave you flummoxed because you’re pretty sure it’s actually quite good. But you have no way of knowing for certain, since you’re the one who made it.
In a recent review of Layers of Existence, Ray Rinaldi writes about a painting I did back in 2013 called Astronaut that was a last minute addition to the current show, chosen by the gallery. What’s funny is that Astronaut was one of those paintings that originally went nowhere. I figured the subject matter probably came off as a little dark, or confusing or just plain odd, and that this is not the kind of art most people want over their couch. I suspected this at the time I was painting it, which is partly why I painted a gaudy couch in the painting, as if to preemptively acknowledging the act of sabotage that a “difficult” painting might prove to be. But I also felt like there was something really human and honest about the painting, like I’d stumbled upon a sort of existential pathos that I would never have dared to approach directly as a subject. At the time, I had mostly been concerned with juxtaposing various cultural references. I was new to figurative realism, so I was intentionally taking it easy with emotional content, not wanting to get in over my head and end up doing something cliché or sentimental. But as is often the case, the restrained impulse expresses itself one way or another, and somewhere in its making the painting acquired a haunting aspect that felt pretty authentic. So when Astronaut went into storage after the show six years ago, I kind of felt like I must have missed the mark. Maybe the ideas I was exploring in it weren't actually that relatable. This is an ordinary disappointment that all creative people have to deal with when they least expect it, but it's part of the game.
I was surprised to learn the gallery added Astronaut to my latest group of paintings, but it made perfect sense, given that the theme of identity is what the exhibit is built around. I was again surprised that Rinaldi mentioned it in writing. He picked up on the Pieta reference, which I was happy about, since I’ve had to explain that one a lot - cultural literacy being what it is these days. He also picked up on the contradictions that are at the core of questions of identity. So for me this was a win. I’ve always thought Astronaut was a positive painting. The central figure is strong and confident and stares straight ahead at the viewer. The version of himself that he holds on his lap has his eyes wide open, lost in some sort of reverie or waking dream, not necessarily dead. That’s what I was thinking anyway. I was also aware that the Pieta reference could prompt an interpretation having to do with the death of ego, or something along those lines. Either way, I knew this image was "loaded," which is another way of saying hard to sell. But there it is. Sometimes a piece of art just wants to be made. Astronaut may have spent a good deal of its life in storage, but right now it’s having a little moment. And I still like it.
